We got our information packs from the local council a couple of weeks ago. After doing some readings - finding the few blogs from people who adopt very much more insightful than the info pack - we finally decided against adoption as our first course.
Mostly we decided this because I'm not 100% committed. I'm not desperate to have kids. It's not my calling. Kids aren't miracles. They're not heaven-sent. They're just kids. I just don't think that my (to me) realistic attitude about kids would A) go over well with the committees that decide these things, or B) put us in a realistic place to handle a child with special circumstances (as all adopted children have). It just wouldn't be fair to give these kids to me, as I can't say with 100% confidence that I would handle it well.
So the current plan: finish my PhD (in a year), have a health/hormones check, then try the natural route. I have a feeling this blog will mostly be on hold till then. So till then, ta ta!
Sunday, 17 July 2011
Friday, 1 July 2011
To apply or not to apply
The first of our information packets came today, with official "we're interested" forms in them. It's amazing how a concept goes from abstract to concrete via bureaucracy.
I've been doing some reading, mostly online in blogs and message boards. Through them, I've gained an understanding of the process and how it works here in the UK. I'm not terribly worried about that - it will be a hassle, but I don't think there's anything about either of our pasts or our current situation that would cause a problem.
It's the other side of things that have me tied up in knots. Essentially, the unknown. As an interweb geek, I am fully aware that when people go online to write about something, they're generally driven to do so by one extreme or another. Extreme happiness...well, we tell our friends and family about that, so the internet gets less of it. Extreme anger, disappointment, fear, anxiety...those get to go on the internet because there's anonymity. Because you can get support without everyone knowing who you are. Because you can reach out to others beyond your circle for help. So I know that much of what is going to be posted in these spaces is negative stuff.
Still. The blogs are full of angry, hurt, damaged children, and adoptive parents who are at their wits' end. Few of them will ever say they regret what they've done, and they post about how angry they are if someone in their RL or OL suggests they might, but you get some subtext. The "maybe we should have rescued dogs instead" subtext.
Members of our family are adopted. People I know have adopted children. And I've never come across these stories personally. I have come across a crapload of horrifying birth children (look no further than my own family). Some of the worst children are not those who have been neglected/abused, but those who have been spoiled.
These concerns aren't necessarily enough to make me not send the form in at this point. But I also think they're worth chatting to my husband (I think I'll pick names from my favorite book for people...let's call him Gus) about.
Also on the chat boards are other adoptive parents like us - who choose adoption first. They get mixed reactions from the social workers, as there is some idea that if adoption is your last ditch effort for kids, you'll be more committed. If it's your first option, and you have fall-backs, then you're more likely to drop out at some point. One woman commented that because it's her first choice, and she's not desperate, she has other options, she feels she was more capable of considering all the aspects, rather than fantasizing desperately about finally having the "perfect family". So that's what I'm doing: considering all the aspects, making sure this is the right thing for us.
I think.
I've been doing some reading, mostly online in blogs and message boards. Through them, I've gained an understanding of the process and how it works here in the UK. I'm not terribly worried about that - it will be a hassle, but I don't think there's anything about either of our pasts or our current situation that would cause a problem.
It's the other side of things that have me tied up in knots. Essentially, the unknown. As an interweb geek, I am fully aware that when people go online to write about something, they're generally driven to do so by one extreme or another. Extreme happiness...well, we tell our friends and family about that, so the internet gets less of it. Extreme anger, disappointment, fear, anxiety...those get to go on the internet because there's anonymity. Because you can get support without everyone knowing who you are. Because you can reach out to others beyond your circle for help. So I know that much of what is going to be posted in these spaces is negative stuff.
Still. The blogs are full of angry, hurt, damaged children, and adoptive parents who are at their wits' end. Few of them will ever say they regret what they've done, and they post about how angry they are if someone in their RL or OL suggests they might, but you get some subtext. The "maybe we should have rescued dogs instead" subtext.
Members of our family are adopted. People I know have adopted children. And I've never come across these stories personally. I have come across a crapload of horrifying birth children (look no further than my own family). Some of the worst children are not those who have been neglected/abused, but those who have been spoiled.
These concerns aren't necessarily enough to make me not send the form in at this point. But I also think they're worth chatting to my husband (I think I'll pick names from my favorite book for people...let's call him Gus) about.
Also on the chat boards are other adoptive parents like us - who choose adoption first. They get mixed reactions from the social workers, as there is some idea that if adoption is your last ditch effort for kids, you'll be more committed. If it's your first option, and you have fall-backs, then you're more likely to drop out at some point. One woman commented that because it's her first choice, and she's not desperate, she has other options, she feels she was more capable of considering all the aspects, rather than fantasizing desperately about finally having the "perfect family". So that's what I'm doing: considering all the aspects, making sure this is the right thing for us.
I think.
Monday, 27 June 2011
Beginning at the Beginning
I'm 32 years old, healthy (generally). My husband is about to turn 40. We're both professionals, with excellent careers, and IMO, we have a pretty solid marriage.
Now. Back in the day, when we were talking about moving in together, my OCD self drew up a full contract. Rules for living together - such as we'd always have separate bathrooms, I would always have at least a biweekly housecleaner - were in there, as were some future-type clauses, like the expectation of getting married. I was never a big one for marriage, but I could see the benefits for two people who were not citizens of the same country, anticipating living in a third (which did indeed happen).
The only thing he added to the contract was that he wanted kids by the time he was 40. If I was ambivalent about marriage, I was less so about kids. I could definitely live my life without them, if I'd married someone who was so inclined. Oh, sure, I re-read my favorite stories from childhood and have brief fantasies about sharing them with my children, that sort of thing. But I have to admit, I see so many poor examples of children and parents these days, that the idea of it is somewhat off-putting.
Anyway, I agreed. And here we are - he's 40, we're both in great permanent jobs, settled. Time for the next generation, then.
We've always planned to adopt. I have health issues - minor ones, but specifically related to NOT coming off birth control hormones - in addition to a general squicky feeling about how selfish it is to insist on birth children when we have the capability to care for others who need it. It's not enough of a philosophy for me to be malevolent toward people who do get pregnant and go through the whole thing, just more of an idea that that's not for me. Anyway, adoption is the thing we're trying first, rather than last.
We're comfortable, but not rich, so private is out. We're going local, with all the benefits and downsides. As of today, we've sent out emails requesting information packets to our local authorities. And that's the very beginning, the first step.
Now. Back in the day, when we were talking about moving in together, my OCD self drew up a full contract. Rules for living together - such as we'd always have separate bathrooms, I would always have at least a biweekly housecleaner - were in there, as were some future-type clauses, like the expectation of getting married. I was never a big one for marriage, but I could see the benefits for two people who were not citizens of the same country, anticipating living in a third (which did indeed happen).
The only thing he added to the contract was that he wanted kids by the time he was 40. If I was ambivalent about marriage, I was less so about kids. I could definitely live my life without them, if I'd married someone who was so inclined. Oh, sure, I re-read my favorite stories from childhood and have brief fantasies about sharing them with my children, that sort of thing. But I have to admit, I see so many poor examples of children and parents these days, that the idea of it is somewhat off-putting.
Anyway, I agreed. And here we are - he's 40, we're both in great permanent jobs, settled. Time for the next generation, then.
We've always planned to adopt. I have health issues - minor ones, but specifically related to NOT coming off birth control hormones - in addition to a general squicky feeling about how selfish it is to insist on birth children when we have the capability to care for others who need it. It's not enough of a philosophy for me to be malevolent toward people who do get pregnant and go through the whole thing, just more of an idea that that's not for me. Anyway, adoption is the thing we're trying first, rather than last.
We're comfortable, but not rich, so private is out. We're going local, with all the benefits and downsides. As of today, we've sent out emails requesting information packets to our local authorities. And that's the very beginning, the first step.
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